Renes

"I thought I'd start our tailoring to earn us some money. but when you want me to go to school, I will. I might exaggerate sometimes, but I want to give them a chance when they are as nice as you say"

Rene: "They are nice. But if you don't want to, you don't have to."

"If you say they are nice I should give them a chance and I probably owe them an apology"

Rene: "I think that's what the teacher was talking about earlier. He just got tired of arguing and finally just accepted whatever you wanted to say. He's not mean, he just wants you to learn. I've never had a problem with Mr. Note. He's always been my favorite teacher and Music is my favorite class."

(Like fuck it, we've been talking about him so much, let's give the teacher a name.)

"I won't apologise for disrupting class. I still see that as self-defence. and therefore I will still have detention until the rest of my school life. But I will apologise for accusing everyone of being bullies." I kiss her "but did you seriously think giving me, the new one, the boy who wears dresses, the one who is most likely to get bullied, detention in front of the whole class for just dozing off a little on my first day of school in the afternoon, was a good idea? he could have said 'please pay attention' and could have given me detention after class. he did it in front of everyone. that's why I explained in front of everyone why I didn't know the answer. It was okay that he asked me a question to wake me up. I answered it wrong and then he accused me for not paying attention and gave me detention, because I didn't answer that question correctly. Didn't I prove that I paid attention by answering that question, even when the answer was wrong for reasons I made clear enough?"

Rene: "If you had accepted the situation for what it was and talked to the teacher after class, he would have understood. Teachers aren't monsters, they're just people like you and me."

"it wasn't the teacher whom I wanted to convince. I didn't want the other to think it's okay to pick on me. I wanted to show everyone that I will fight back when I get bullied. that's why I didn't wait. but let's get back to the detention. do you really think he did a good job, when he gave the new one detention in front of everyone for something that insignificant?"

Rene: "No other students would have made fun of you for it. I've gotten detention from teachers in front of other students, and nobody picked on me for it. You blew it way out of proportion." Sighs. "I'm tired of this argument. You won't understand and nobody can make you understand. So just forget the whole thing, don't go to school, anymore. If you're constantly going to be paranoid about everyone bullying you, maybe it's for the best."

"well, do you understand? can you understand that I made bad experiences and don't want to repeat them? that's how it started in my old school. the teachers picked on me first, in front of everyone, though I didn't harm anyone, I was just there. It was the exact same situation, at least it felt like it. might be I overreacted, but I suppose you would have overreacted as well."

Rene: "I understand. But we aren't at your old school."

"I know. but for a moment I felt like it and so reacted like I was. can you understand that I... that I was just scared at that moment? that I was scared everything would repeat itself and so I forgot where I was?"

(Krony is sleepy. good night)

Rene: "I understand. But there's no need to be scared, anymore. I'm with you and nobody will hurt you at my school. My man face will come out and I'll scare them all away before they have a chance to hurt you."

"I know. I just forgot for the moment. It was something I couldn't control. and that's why I'm not sorry for it. I understand that I did something that wasn't necessary, but I don't feel sorry for it. can you understand that?"

Rene: "Just stop talking. How many times must I say I understand before you'll listen to me? You don't have to go to school anymore. You don't have to deal with students and teachers anymore. Just live in this flat and become a hermit, all your life."

I feel myself getting angry. I try to swallow it down. "I don't want to stop talking about it. Rene, you are my only friend. besides you, I have no one. and now you are leaving me alone in this matter as well. when you don't support me, who will? I- I am alone even while I'm so close to you. would you really care if I left you?"

Rene: "So you want me to follow you along blindly, with no mind of my own? I understand why you reacted the way you did, but to me it was foolish."

"no!" I begin to lose my patience. "no, you may have a mind of your own. I get that it seemed foolish to someone who wasn't ever bullied. I understand that you still don't get why I acted like that. okay, maybe I made a mistake; no, not maybe. I did make a mistake. I tried to defend against a thread that wasn't there. yes, I'm a big stinky fool because I didn't get used to an entirely different life within one day. I guess you are right. someone, who doesn't change within one day, should better be a hermit than getting used to that new life"

Rene: "And you're still too stubborn to admit you made a mistake."

"I made a mistake. I admit it. I tried to defend myself against a thread that wasn't there, of cause that's a mistake and I should try to do it again. I'll try to not do it again. but I don't feel sorry for doing it. is that so hard to understand? I made a mistake, but I am not overly sad about it."

Rene: "Fine, I understand all that. You're paranoid and... you're scaring my by not letting this go. Possessive much?"

"It's not like that. I just need time to get used to it. I know that nobody will bully me there, but the memories are burned deep into my brain. it needs time to heal. It was my first day. with time it will get better."

Rene: "Okay, just stop talking about it, you're scaring me."

"but I... okay." I'm disappointed but I accept it.

Rene: Gives the other a hug. "It's okay, you still don't have to go to school no more if you don't want to."

"you wanted me to go to school for a reason. I'd rather do you a favour than starting our tailoring."